Terrified of two

Before kids, I’d look incredulously at the moms of multiple kids, see the chaos that ensued, and think to myself “why in the world would you ever have more than one kid?” Seriously.  One seemed like more than enough.  Even when people would remind me of sibling love, I still couldn’t understand it as a childless woman.  But once I had my first child, I saw the value of a sibling for my son.  I’d see how longingly my son would stare at other kids playing together.  I saw the value of him learning to share.  I saw the companionship and sibling bond.  Suddenly it made sense to have double strollers (whereas the thought initially terrified me when we first went stroller shopping and my husband mentioned a double).  But as terrifying as becoming a mother was to me, and as transforming, becoming a mother of two is even more.  How can I possibly share ME with another little demanding human being?  How can I possibly LOVE as much as I love my firstborn?  The trailblazers say you can and you will.  They say your heart enlarges to love another just as much.  They say the juggling of two becomes your new normal.  And I suppose it will.  But as I faint-heartedly watch the moms of multiples wearing one baby while chasing the older one underfoot, as I see them juggling the double strollers and minivans with all the kid gear, I see how two can multiply the difficulties and challenges exponentially.  Right now I like being able to pop one child in and out of his carseat effortlessly and still be able to hold his hand or him when we walk short distances.  I like the ease of a single stroller, the ease of watching out for just one with an eagle’s eye when we’re out in public.  I like the messes of one (and boy are there a ton of messes!) the constant feedings of one, the laundry of one, and the one-on-one attention I can give to one.  I love the lingering morning snuggles and the countless story times.  Can life get any better, any sweeter than this?  I cling to these last few months of just him and me, knowing that life as we know it will once again drastically change, and yet not knowing how to prepare emotionally for that change without cherishing every moment spent and mourning the loss of our normal.  But just like having my first child was life-changing, so I know having a second will be equally life changing.  And, just like I adapted to one, so I know I will adjust to two.  All along, even when my son was very young, I felt like someone was missing from our family.  I’ll get to meet him/her very soon.  But for now, I hold tight to my only boy.  I savor every snuggle, every giggle, every hug.  For now, it’s just me and him, with a growing belly coming between us during lap time.  For now, this is the existence he’s only ever known.  While life as we know it is about to change, it must and will. It really comes down to trusting in the Giver of Life. He entrusted me to conceive (twice) so He must think I can handle two children.  I had such fears over becoming a mom the first time, and my fears stemmed from the unknown, from the enormous responsibility, and from the overwhelming reality of how life-changing motherhood is.  But those who trust in the all-knowing, all-powerful Lord of all the earth place their fears and failures in His large, capable hands. If He gives all the inhabitants of the earth life and breath, and fashions their hearts (Psalm 33:15), He will enable me to become a mother of two children.  

  • How has your family dynamic changed from one child to two (or more?)
  • To Whom do you take your fears to?  How do you entrust your fears to Him?  DSC02271.jpg

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